Voice of shadows
There is another meaning of resting. And there is a reason why I tend to run away from rest. True rest. It’s because there is a depth of shadow dominating over me when I let go of all the things that I was capable of in my hands. The voice inside me that is not from me constantly echoes inside while I am working and creating my ways without stopping, and the only way to deafen my ears from those voice is to keep running. To distract me and make me blind. And where does that voice come from? It comes from darkness. Where there is no light, there is shadows. And the darkness in me creates those voices that is not true. But I decide to just lay next to the darkness. To keep my right to rest tightly, and it is scary to sit still as the shadows approach me as I stop everything in my hands- photo, artworks, writing… and to re-encounter the voices of the dark. To stay persistent. See if I really fail or not according to those voices.
Still
무려 2주 동안 작업에 손을 뗐다. 몸이 아파서, 그리고 여행을 다녀오느라. 내게는 상상도 할 수 없는 긴 시간이었다. 하지만 하나님은 아시는듯이 나를 일상에서 빼내듯이 내 쳇바퀴처럼 돌아가는 작업 속에서 건져주셨다. 이왕 이렇게 된거, 작업 없이도 살아가는 나 자신을 보고 싶고 경험해보고 싶었다. 손에 아무것도 쥐어진 것이 없을 때 나를 속사포처럼 삼켜버리는 세상의 거짓말들을 직접 다시 대면하고 싶었다. 꾸역 꾸역 어엿 15일 가량이 지나자, 천천히, 내 마음은 조금씩 편안해졌다. 내 마음이 바뀌거나 내가 열심히 기도해서 변화한것이 아니라, 그저 가만히 버티고 있다보니, 그림자들이 나를 천천히 지나간것 뿐이었다. 괜찮아지는것까지 나의 열정으로 이루는것에 대한 피곤함이 이미 있었기에, 나는 그저 버틸수 있다는것 만으로도 감사했다. 그리고 쉴 수 있었다. 그림자 아래에서, 편히, 내 모습 지금 이대로말이다.
Rejoice in me
Resting includes not just being happy and calm. It includes all kinds of shades of self-neglection, traumas, lethargies, and more- basically, all the things that I have been neglecting through creating art and connecting to the world. My body and heart know when to stop and breathe, but my stubbornness does not, and it accumulates those things and it makes me crash after a long while of running away. This is why resting is so difficult for me, but God does not require me to be a rest-buyer. He grants me an eternal rest every day through accepting the Christ. God sees me and loves me, and rejoices in me- this shall be the ultimate trigger of guidance to my day by day, not the stubbornness. Then eventually, I will learn how to lay rest by the shadows and not be afraid. And be kind enough to myself to listen to them.
Film
