“나 자신을 있는 그대로 받아들이는 것이야말로 세상에서 가장 두려운 일이다” -칼 구스타프 융
This dress was the first dress I ever professionally got designed from a design studio, proper for the future Yubi Boutique. I drove an hour and 30 minutes to Atlanta to meet with the designer, and to visit the fabric store several times for few weeks to see this being made. I have been waiting and trying many times in the past in Tulsa to slowly design and create that one dress that will represent me. And Yubi Boutique will be all about that; the uniqueness that I only have in this world.
For the longest time I have struggled in my identity where I do not belong anywhere. I lived in States almost half of my life where everyone around me did not look or speak like me. I lived in Korea but that was only in my childhood and my teens; when I visit in Korea after I grew up everyone would used to ask me if I was from a foreign country because of my personality and style that did not look like the typical Koreans. Plus, having faith in Jesus was another outsided group that I belong that it was very difficult to find a community that resembled me. But now I think about it, maybe I chose myself to think and decide that ‘I did not belong anywhere.’
It wasn’t until I really focused my talents- photography, art, and fashion style- in Jesus, also with some maturity in mentality (laugh), I realized that what I have that I do not belong to any sort of social community, that is a blessing. It meant that I had a unique feature, background, language abilities, and faith, that only exists in me. Interesting story, this was found when I was in London. Apart from home, Oklahoma, in the midst of the most variety group of photographers ever, in a new environment of creativity and basically, life. I left to London right away after college without hesitant because I wanted to be in the group of photographers that might help me find ‘where I belong.’ But at the end, the experience there, was something on the other side. The buildings at Oxford Circus, where created and designed magnificently different from the square homes in Oklahoma, people who walk around with wigs, tuxedos, old paper cigarettes… Indian curry chain restaurants, Kebab places on the corner of the streets, Fish and chips, Tesco, and the Central tube line that would take me anywhere in central London… Everything, that was ‘different’ from me, made me realize ‘who I am.’ It was then I started to passionately study about Hanbok, worshipped Jesus every morning I would wake up with my 1/4 size guitar, and realized I had a vision from God to serve and nurture the next Christian artist generation. I realized what I am is so special, and not all about me could be in a single design of a dress, but I was excited to express the encounter of my roots in a place called London, England.
나는 특별히 제인어스틴이 살았던 시기인 Regency Era (1811-1820)의 옷들을 특별히 좋아하고 석사 졸업 작품을 위해 책을 기내용 캐리어만큼 빌려 공부했었다. 무거운 캐리어를 질질 끌고 튜브 (지하철)에 타던것을 기억한다. 그 시대의 옷 뿐만아니라 시대배경, 여성의 태도와 시대의 의미, 건축양식, 그리고 제인어스틴이 적었던 책들의 문체까지 흥미로워했었다 (사실 책은 지루했지만). 그랬다. 영국에서의 시간은 나 스스로와, 그리고 나 스스로를 알게 해준 나와는 아주 다른 무엇, 영국의 문화의 만남이었다. 그 만남을 그리기 위해서, 찍기 위해서, 나는 아직도 지금까지 이 옷들을 디자인하고 만들어하고 싶어했던건지도 모른다.
심리치료 가운데 장소를 통한 치유, geographic cure이라는 치료가 있다고 한다. “장소에 얽힌 아름다운 추억들은 심리적 면역력이 되어 위기에 처할 때마다 우리의 상처 입기 쉬운 마음을 다스려준다.” 런던은 내게 상처가득했던 마음이 치유되기 시작한 소중한 장소이자 나라이다. 런던 이후로 나는 여행을 멈추지 않았다. 장소가 내게 주는 힘을 무의식적으로, 저런 심리 치료개념을 몰랐을 때부터 알았던것이 아닌가 싶다. 나는 더이상 런던에 없다. 안간지 너무 오래 되었다. 그러나 그 장소가 준 나의 심리적 면역력은 나를 다른 사람으로 만들어주었고, 그것을 나의 작품에, 나의 옷에 담으려고 한다. 그리고 더 많은 사람들에게, 그 아름다운 추억들을, 나눠주고 싶다.
*1일1페이지, 세상에서 가장 짧은 심리 수업365, 정여울, 위즈덤하우스
